Survivor's Guilt
by ChoCedric
Summary: "He looked so afraid, and I couldn't save him," Harry said in a small, broken voice. A moment between Harry and Remus at the beginning of book 5. Remus vows to do all he can to help his late best friend's son.


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Author's Note: This idea came to me last night in a dream. Please give me feedback, I'd love to know what you think!

Survivor's Guilt

By: ChoCedric

Harry Potter sat in the room he was sharing with Ron at Grimmauld Place, staring blankly into space. He'd arrived here a day ago, and he couldn't seem to relax. Thoughts kept invading his mind, thoughts of the Dementor attack, and how his friends had hardly written to him. Even though he'd made up with them now, a part of him was still angry that they hadn't told him anything that was going on.

But the biggest thought that kept spinning around and around in his mind was the thought of the graveyard a few months earlier and Cedric's lifeless, unseeing eyes. If only he'd been a little bit faster ... if only he hadn't been on the ground, clutching his scar when the green light invaded his eyelids and he'd heard the sound of Cedric collapsing ...

"Harry?"

Harry jumped out of his skin as he heard a voice very near him. Swivelling around, he saw Remus Lupin, his former Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and one of the people who had been on the Advance Guard to bring him here, and above all, one of the best friends of his late father.

"I'm sorry I scared you," said Remus gently. "I was just wondering if I could sit with you for a while. You look like you need some company."

Harry hesitated. "Sure, Professor Lupin," he finally said. He hoped, however, that the man would not make him talk about Cedric or any of the other recent happenings.

"Remember, Harry, I am no longer your professor," Remus said with a small smile. "You may call me Remus now."

"Uh ... okay, Remus," said Harry uncertainly. "How are you?"

"I'm hanging in there. The full moon was a few days ago, but I'm okay now," Remus said quietly.

"That's good," said Harry, and the two elapsed into silence, both stewing in their own thoughts.

Finally, the silence was broken by Remus as he laid a hand on Harry's shoulder. "Harry, you look troubled," he said worriedly. "What's on your mind?"

"Nothing," said Harry automatically, but Remus could immediately tell he was lying. His emerald eyes seemed a lot more dull and haunted than they had been two years ago when he'd been his teacher.

"We both know that's not true, Harry," said Remus gently. "I know you may not want to talk about it, but I often find that talking helps."

"Why?" asked Harry, his heart beginning to pound. "It'll just make it worse."

"From the beginning of 1982 to summer of 1993," Remus explained slowly, "I worked in the Muggle world as a psychotherapist. This worked for me, because as you know, Muggles only believe my condition exists in fairy tales. I have found that many people feel better after they have talked over their problems. Believe me, it was a hard concept for me to grasp, too. After James and Lily died and Peter was believed to have died, and Sirius was sent to Azkaban, I didn't think I could ever go on. But I found that helping other people helped me as well."

Harry said nothing, and Remus's heart broke as he saw Harry's eyes become even more haunted. This was so wrong; a boy of fifteen shouldn't look like this yet. He'd seen way too much.

Then, Harry said in an almost inaudible whisper, "I couldn't save him."

"Are you talking about Cedric?" Remus asked softly.

"Yeah," said Harry, his head hanging in what Remus knew was deep shame. "I tried ... but it all happened too fast."

"Harry, it's not your responsibility to save everyone," Remus said, his hand still firmly on Harry's shoulder. "We all know that you did your best, but in that situation there was simply nothing you could do."

"But I was so stupid," Harry cried, his voice starting to rise. "As soon as we arrived in that graveyard I knew something was wrong. I should have gotten us to escape faster, but ... it was just too quick. My scar began to hurt and ..." He took a deep, shuddering breath, "... and next thing I knew I was on the ground in pain. Then, then ... Cedric was just ... one minute he was standing up, looking around ... the next minute, he was on the ground next to me, dead! And I couldn't do anything! It's my fault, all my fault!"

And before he knew it, his eyes were brimming with tears, and he angrily blinked them back. But to his utter humiliation, Remus saw this.

"Harry, it's all right," he said, putting a comforting arm around the grieving child. "It's okay to show your emotions. I'm going to be right here through it all. Just let go, Harry, you can't bottle this up inside forever."

And Harry lost control. It was like a dam that burst inside him, and he began to sob, all the guilt and sorrow and frustration he'd felt in the last few months flooding out in a tidal wave of tears. Remus held him close, cursing himself for not being there for his best friend's son while he was growing up, and not being able to stop this horrific tragedy that had occurred. Self-loathing of his own roiled in his gut as he felt Harry's shoulders shake with grief for the seventeen-year-old boy whose life had been cruelly cut short.

Once Harry had cried himself dry, he looked up into Remus's face and only saw understanding there, instead of the disgust that the Dursleys always showed whenever he succumbed to tears.

"Feel better now?" the werewolf asked gently.

"Y-yeah," Harry stammered, sniffling and wiping his eyes with his sleeve. "Thanks, prof-er-Remus."

Remus smiled gently at the boy. "No problem, Harry," he said quietly. "Now, listen to me. I know it's going to take a while for you to believe it, but I assure you that Cedric's death wasn't your fault."

"But he looked so afraid, and there was nothing I could do," Harry said in a small, broken voice.

"I think everyone is afraid of death to some extent," Remus said wisely. "None of us know what to expect when it hits us. But I am sure that Cedric is fine now, that he isn't afraid anymore. Harry, you are a wonderful, selfless, brave young man to do all the things you have done. I'm sure James and Lily are extremely proud of you, as are Sirius and myself."

"Really?" Harry asked, a little hope shining in his emerald eyes.

"I speak nothing but the truth," Remus reassured him. "You face your fears and tackle them head-on. You are a much, much better man than I could ever hope to be."

"That's not true!" Harry exclaimed, looking shocked. "You're a great man, too, and the best Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher I've ever had."

Remus smiled at him, and hoped it conveyed all the gratitude he felt. "Thank you," he said, patting Harry's shoulder gently. "Now, then, are you up for some lunch?"

"Okay," said harry, and with a heart that was lighter than it had been in awhile, he and Remus headed out of his room to go to where some delicious food and all their other friends were waiting.


End file.
